Cancer….Stupid cancer!! Our culture teaches us all about four letter words that can be so hurtful and angry. However, this six letter word has made so much more of an impact on our lives in the past month than any four letter word ever has.
I never would have guessed that at 32 years old I would be facing a second surgery for breast cancer and possible chemotherapy. I never would have guessed that I would now have permanent scars to my body caused by this stupid disease. I never would have guessed that Jason and I would have had to sit down our five and seven year old girls to explain that there’s a good chance Mommy may lose her hair.
Can I just scream how much I HATE cancer?!?!?!
I was having a particularly ugly cry with my best-est friend last week and pitifully told her that I feel like God is overestimating what I can take…..”I’m not Job!!” I told her through an onslaught of tears. Her answer caught me off guard, but I have thought about it so many times since then. Summer looked at me through her own tears and said, “No, you aren’t! You are Tabitha! And Tabitha is the one that satan asked God if he can test, and you are the one that’s going to win!!”
Jason and I never would have guessed that this is the road that we would be walking this year….but here’s the thing that’s hit me. God is not surprised!! My “second mom” called to check on me yesterday, and she reiterated several times that this did not catch God by surprise! He knew what this year would bring to us…..He knew our reactions, both good and bad! He saw all of the tears that Jason, Brynlee, Camryn and I would shed. He knew that the first surgery wouldn’t be the only one, and that I would feel crushed when I found out a second surgery will be needed. God wasn’t shocked at Jason’s anger or my rivers of tears that still flow on a daily basis. He wasn’t shocked that Brynlee will randomly burst into tears or that Camryn will run her fingers through my hair and tell me that she doesn’t want me to lose my “beautiful hair.” HE’S NOT SHOCKED!
He’s been preparing our little family for our biggest test and ministry opportunity yet. He has surrounded us with an amazing support group of family, “framily,” friends, co-workers and church family. He’s brought old friends back into our lives and given us doctors that we have quickly come to love and trust.
I would NEVER have chosen this road for myself…or even my worst enemy…but here we are. Tomorrow we meet with an oncologist to get a final decision on chemotherapy. Tonight all I can do is pray that we are met with better news than we have been warned to expect. Either way, I truly know that God has seen every step of this journey and will be with us every single step of the way. This is not at all how we would have guessed we would spend our 13th wedding anniversary, but it’s the road that we are walking hand in hand. I’m thankful to know that we will never walk one step of this journey alone, but will always be guided by the God who is never caught by surprise!